This isn’t a new year’s resolution because I personally hate them because I never follow through. No no, this is more of a….promise (?) to myself to literally kick my own ass if I decide to wallow in self pity any longer. Life is not that bad. I have a roof over my head, my family is freaking awesome, a boyfriend who loves me, I’m getting excellent grades in school and I am making money to keep us afloat. I still never feel satisfied but I could have it so much worse. There are some people close to me who are really struggling to and I cannot fathom how they do it. My family went through some of the same years ago but I was young then. I am grateful sometimes for having to go through that early in life because back then, we didn’t even know that we didn’t have money. My mom was so careful (and in many ways, financially indebted) but we never knew that. I think it would have been harder for me to lose everything at this age because now I can truly appreciate every single item that I have, tangible or not.

I wish there was a way for me to make everyone’s problems go away. All I can do is offer them the gift of laughter. I don’t care how idiotic I look, as long as they laugh (with me or at me), that’s all that matters to me. I feel like in every family, there’s always a certain niche that we all fall into. There’s the cranky family members, there’s those who really aren’t huggers and do that awkward shoulder pat when you try to, there’s those who constantly drink too much and then there’s those who love to joke around to the point of where your stomach hurts from laughing so much. That’s where me and a lot of my family fit in. Our humor is stupid humor yes, but it gets the job done. When I went to see everyone over Christmas, it’s so easy to forget about all the shit that goes on here. I don’t have to try hard to impress them. I can be myself, no holds barred. We know practically everything there is to know about one another, and there is never a time where we can say that we’re sick of each other. We love to have a good time, and I love them so much for being my rocks over the years.

This blog wasn’t really supposed to be a brief look at 2008 but it looks like it ended up that way. 2008 wasn’t a terrible year but it certainly was not the best for me and those that I care about. I figure that things have to get really bad before they can get better. And one way to make sure of that is to get my attitude in check. I don’t want to treat every situation like it’s entirely critical that decisions have to get made at that very second. Life is too short to worry about my anxiety or that tiny, whispering feeling that I don’t measure up to other people. All I need to focus on is living in the moment and being the best person that I can be.

I have this itch to write a memoir about my life. Is that possible at my age? At 23, I can say that I have had plenty of life experiences but, I don’t know. I feel like Dan Humphrey on Gossip Girl, someone who’s afraid to write about the truth. I already have part of it mapped out in my head:
-my boss and co-workers will get funny psuedonymns like Girl With Ginormous Breasts, Finger Nails and Girl Who Looks Like Sam From America’s Next Top Model.
-I can bitch and complain all I want
-I can be honest

This shit at work is killing me. Finger Nails approached me the other day and say, “So I heard you’re leaving us” and gives me that STARE. I lied and pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about. Now she thinks that her and I are like BFF now and I’m left feeling confused. I don’t want to bond with her. Bonding makes things complicated and it makes me just another victim in her little web of insults. The next time she tries to play a “joke” on me, I won’t feel the urge to bite my tongue. Two of my close friends have already quit and walked out on her, and she’s left to tell us that they didn’t leave because of her, they left because they didn’t “get it.” Get what, I don’t fucking know, but apparently we’re all supposed to pretend to believe her and magically forget how she treated them the day they left.

Moving on, my little memoir can also capture my daily life right now. My cat Pepper and my dog Riley will be glorified as the most kick ass pets ever, and I’ll come up with cute slogans like from I Can Haz Cheeseburger. I can write about my crazy English teacher who looks like Santa Claus and curses like a sailor. But I have learned alot from him as a teacher and he makes going to class that much more worth going.

And then when it comes to my personal life, I’ll talk about how I still call my brother “brotha” and he calls me “sissy.” I still act like I’m 12 sometimes and that’s okay. I call my mother “dillo” and no one even knows what the means.

I still love to write but I just haven’t found the inspiration. I figure, I can sit here my whole life and recall certain things that have happened to me or I can document them in detail. Not to share it with the world entirely because let’s face it, getting published is rather difficult. But it can be an accomplishment for me, BY me. And that, to me, will be totally worth it.

I miss sleep. And people. And nice, warm hugs.

For example, I got a new pair of shoes recently. I couldn’t afford to buy a new pair previously so I wore some wedge heels to work (which we’re allowed to under the dress code). I know they weren’t the prettiest shoes in the world but my pants covered them and they were in presentable condition. It’s not like I work at some big designer store either, which I don’t. So I finally bought a new pair a week ago after shoe shopping for days. I thought they were really cute and it gave me something to look forward to at work the next day: comfortable shoes that didn’t kill my feet. The first thing that my boss commented on when she saw me? My “grandma shoes.” I got defensive, as any person would when your boss likes to tell you things like “you need a makeover!” and other digs. I told her that I choose comfort over beauty, and she rolled her eyes at me and said, “You work in a high-end fashion store (which really isn’t high fashion, trust me) but yet you don’t want to DRESS UP?” I chose to take the high road in that conversation and ignore her, but every time I interact with her (which is 5 days a week), she loves to make comments about my shoes.

She doesn’t just do it to me either, all the other girls have had it up to HERE with her. She takes out her anger on everyone, she’s jealous, she doesn’t treat anyone with respect and I’m pretty sure that what she’s doing isn’t legal. For instance, a friend of mine brought her notebook to work to study for a test. She was studying during her break, and later on my boss TOOK her notebook and hid it in her desk. My friend went home and realized that she didn’t have her notebook so she called my work. Another associate told her that our boss had it and that she did it to play a “nasty” little joke on her. She constantly puts down her management staff and makes them cry. A friend on mine is in the running to be a supervisor and when I came to work the other day she said, “THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE SHE’S BEEN PICKING ON ME ALL DAY.”

As soon as I can get a new job, I’ll be putting in my two weeks notice. Mostly for my own health and sanity because I don’t know how much longer I can work there with her. Pretty much everyone else is doing the same thing but some people are thinkers while others are doers. When I say I’m going to be leaving my job, I sincerely mean it. It bothers me to think about the others but if she’s affecting them as much as they say she is too, they’ll leave for their own sake.

The golden rule is so simple. If she’s the kind of person who is happy when she makes others miserable, I feel sorry for her. She doesn’t think about how her actions affect others or how she makes them feel. Yeah life can suck sometimes but does that person always have to make sure that it sucks for everyone else too?

But all is going well in my little world. School has been running me ragged most of the time, mainly my cardio kickboxing class. Today I learned that I can’t squat for shit. She said that it’s like you’re sitting down in a chair only….there is no chair and you’re holding yourself up. I could tell she was talking to me the entire class because she kept looking into those mirrors and going, “Lean forward!” *leans forward* “No, put your butt back and keep yourself straight!” Sorry lady but there’s no possible way that I’m supposed to lean forward and put my ass back and keep myself straight at the same time. Either way my back is not straight and neither is yours since you’re leaning like you’re about to double over right there on the ground. At the end of class she actually brought a chair out and showed each of us the “proper form” of what we were supposed to do. Everyone did well except for me, but being me, I was already expecting it. She kept telling me to move my legs closer to her and then to sit down, but your ass is supposed to touch the seat and my ass was inches away from the chair. I don’t get it. She just sort of shook her head and said that we all should be able to do this and muttered something else about our backs being weak. Probably mine I’m thinking but I could care less. Only….three more months of that torture?

I’ve been thinking a significant amount lately about my future. I’m changing what college I’m transferring too mostly because of finances. I can’t afford a private college no matter how much I was I could. Instead, I’m hoping to go to a state school that is only $2000 more a semester than my community college is. And it’s a good school, don’t get me wrong. It’s just a little disheartening to make that sacrifice but I know it will be better for me in the long run.

Besides school, my boyfriend and I have been talking about buying a house together. And marriage. Which we talk about often but he’s the one who’s been bringing it up all the time anymore. I can wait to get married, being engaged and owning a home would be absolutely wonderful though. Hopefully I can get a loan and make it happen, if not well….there’s always a way if you set your mind to it and don’t get too discouraged.

I’m over the flu that I had last entry, or whatever the hell it was. I don’t want to get sick like that again for a long ass time. I was so miserable and I hated being at work. Last Wednesday I came in still sick out of my mind, and what am I greeted with? “We need you to help do mannequins today!” And by help, they actually mean do all the fucking work because none of them are strong enough to LIFT the mannequins. So all I do is stand there holding it while they figure out what outfit to put on it and of course the damn thing’s arms fall off and HIT my toe and ughhhhhhh. I dread Wednesdays because of it. We had some shoplifting incidents occur and apparently we all “don’t know how to do our job” and other callous remarks which is pretty much BS because one person working in one store while it’s busy is HARD. I try to wait on everyone but sometimes there’s just no possible way. So now she’s always watching the cameras in our back room and it makes me super paranoid to DO anything. For instance, I cleaned the entire store because it was super slow and she tells me that she was watching me clean. It’s like….okay then that’s sort of creepy and what if I had a wedgie or something? At least at my old job I never had to see them watching me with the cameras so I can pretty much be myself without the fear of being judged.

I’ve been back in school for over a week now and am glad to be something productive. Or I was lol, until my gym class ended up being a class with fitness barbie on crack. I was thinking about dropping it because:
-I’m a tad bit lazy. Er okay, pretty darn lazy
-It makes me sweat
-I have to go to 2 other classes after that with no makeup on and looking like shit.

Buttttt I came around and decided to give it another try. It’s an extremely physical class where you move around constantly and kick, punch, squat, lunge and the whole nine yards. I started bringing extra clothes to change into afterward and stuffed some makeup in my bag so that I can at least freshen up a little bit. Still though, I hate feeling gross and disgusting like that without being able to get a shower. But I’m getting a pretty killer workout and even though I’m sore as hell, I feel good.

Hilariously enough, being sick did not mean that I didn’t watch the season premiere of One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl. GG was fabulous as I knew it would be but OTH was hard to stomach. Every year I tell myself that maybe the show will get better, that some of the actors will learn how to act and their will be chemistry between the characters that should have chemistry. Honestly I only watch it for Nathan, Haley, Brooke and Jamie (cutest child actor EVER). Lucas gets on my nerves incessantly with his indecisiveness. He loves Peyton, then Brooke, then Peyton, then Brooke again, then Peyton, then LINDSAY? My god I watched five seasons of that crap and now I’m supposed to believe that he completely in love with Peyton even though he treated her like shit last season and told her that he hated her? Ughhhhh I don’t get it. I can’t fanwank that kind of stuff.

Moving on, my birthday was wonderful! We ate at this amazing pizza place that has the best Sicilian pizza ever. I also had hot wings (*drools*), mini tacos, and a salad that’s put into an edible tortilla bowl. Mmmm it was so freaking delicious. After that we went to my work and I DID get my Juicy bag. It’s sitting on the floor next to me right now in the computer lab and I lurve it. My mom bought me the bag and my boyfriend bought me a really pretty “fake” wedding band set with an “engagement” ring in the middle. It’s cubic zirconia and only costed us $21 bucks with my discount but this one girl at work was like, “Congrats on your engagement!” o.0

Speaking of engagement, I busted Joe’s balls so bad last night because we got an invitation to his buddy’s engagement party. I was like, “Hmmm we’ve been together for how many years? Oh yes almost six! And they’ve been together for like what, two/three years? How interesting!” I’m not in any hurry to get married but being engaged would be nice. But first he needs to find a job again (job hunting hasn’t gone very well for him), get our bills PAID completely and be financially set. Unfortunately, this will probably take a few more years.

I guess that’s all for now, I’m just really sick today and I’m so out of it. My computer teacher canceled already on the first day of class lol, should be a fun semester.

For my birthday present, I am buying myself this adorable Juicy Couture bag from my work. I’m going to use it as a gigantic purse for school where I can store all my books and other crap in.

This is going to be a rather short blog so I apologize. More details after my birthday!

I’m in an exceptionally good mood today. My school situation finally got resolved. I’m not taking six classes right now, mostly because a) we can’t afford it and b) I have to work full-time in order to pay my bills. Instead I’m taking three: Cardio Kickboxing, Survey of Math and my soon-to-be personal favorite, Creative Writing. I only have to go to class two days a week as opposed to Monday-Friday which I’ve done every single semester. This means that I have to take three courses in the summertime and that’s alright. The summer session is barely a month long for the first part so I can deal with that.

Some issues at work have been stressing me out. I wish I wasn’t such a nice person. They all tell me how “nice” I am and it irritates me a lot. My mom said, “Well you wouldn’t want to be known as a bitch though, right?” and it’s true but STILL. Take last week for instance. A co-worker left me a bunch of text messages at 9 a.m. and said that she missed her bus to Atlantic City. She asked if she could work for me that night if I’ll cover her shift on Tuesday (so she can get her three days in at AC). She called my boss who said it was fine, so I agreed.

Basically I got screwed pretty hard. Because that Tuesday was on a new pay period, that meant that I would have overtime on 8 hours, making it 48 for the week. When I let her work my Friday, that meant I only have 32 hours in that week. My boss said that I couldn’t work 8 hours of overtime so I lost my 8 hours that I desperately NEEDED. I was livid to say the least. I need money so badly right now and those 8 hours lost is going to make for a shitty paycheck. Ever since then, I’ve been upset at work and they can probably tell but I really can’t care about that right now.

The other girls there even asked me to chip in $20 to help by this girl a freaking Juicy Couture purse before she leaves for school. The girl they’re buying it for is nice but she’s pretty well off and I know for a fact that she has money to buy it. They said they “understand” if I can’t but I could tell in their voices that they’ll be disappointed if I don’t. It’s so stupid. I have work today and they’re also collecting the money for her. I don’t want to be a “bitch” since I’m such a “nice” person but this purse is not my priority right now. I’ll make her a going away card or something cute, but not all presents require you to spend money. But with our crazy fashion obsessed culture, some people don’t see it that way.

Miley Cyrus/Billy Ray Photo shoot Spoof:

Another reason to love Craig Ferguson: (old clip but the man is freaking amazing!)

Craig Ferguson HILARIOUS Murder She Wrote spoof:

Robyn-With Every Heartbeat: (piano version)

Gossip Girl Bloopers:

Cat Adopts Baby Rabbit:

LOL Cat Video: